my new direction

This has been happening slowly over time. And in truth it was always the main goal. I wanted to quit my full-time job as a landscape architect and do something else. It, the profession, had proven not to fit me in the way I had always hoped it would. So slowly over the last year I have been migrating away. First it was pottery classes in the evening, then an art class at USC, then a semester of part-time work and part time school. All things moving in the direction that I wanted my life to be about. And now, officially, full time art student, unemployed.

I know exactly what you are thinking, and what people are saying. I'm thinking it too.

In every way this is my dream, this is what I want to do, and more importantly, I feel like I'm answering a call. In many aspects of life you journey far, searching, only to find that what you were looking for was always there with you. The answer was beside you from the start. And this is how I feel about art. Perhaps I didn't start on that road in the beginning because the world told me it was impractical. I made the sensible choice; I chose a profession that could provide a regular paycheck. But here I am now, at the beginning.

I have such anxiety about the decision to leave landscape architecture. For almost 10 years now it has been a straight line for me. Get through school; do well in school; get a job; succeed in said job. The road to happiness and success was suppose to be that easy, right? I did everything the way I was suppose to do it and the end result was not job satisfaction.

I think the present anxiety comes from the fact that there is no straight line right now. If I were in a graduate program that would be a straight line. If I knew what came next, or what success looks like for an artist, then at least I would have a goal. But quitting my job for an uncertain path... the world tells me this is a poor decision. And although I know this is the right decision for me I can't help but doubt myself.

I am fortunate. I know, all too well, this is not an option for everyone. And this knowledge triggers the guilt. That even though this is a sound decision for me it is a luxury that not everyone can afford. Matthew has given me this gift, and my constant hesitance and struggle is at the point of insulting him.

So enough of this worry. My charge is to go forth and explore this avenue, to give life and voice to my art, to test the limits of my talents. My challenge is to see life, my path, not as a straight line, but beautiful in it's imperfection. Beautiful in the flaws and mistakes and unexpected blessings.